Never Piss Off Elsa
by gregterry480
Summary: Queen Elsa's normally the nicest, gentlest, warmest person ever...except for during a magical period that comes once a month. Hope. Love. Family. This story is about none of those things.
1. Olaf's Mistake

On the 24th of September, Queen Elsa was going through her "time of the month." Now, Queen Elsa was usually pretty moody and shit, but everyone knew that when her Aunt Flo came to visit, they should stay as far away from her as possible unless they wanted to be turned into human popsicles.

Unfortunately, Olaf the snowman wasn't aware of this.

"Hello, Elsa," he said walking into her chambers, ignoring the sign that said "DO NOT ENTER, EVEN IF YOU ARE A DUMB SNOWMAN." "Want a warm hug?"

"Get...out..." went Elsa through gritted teeth. She was on her bed and pigging out on chocolate because she was in a bad mood.

"But it's such a nice September day outside" said Olaf, cheerfully opening the curtains which Elsa had shut. He then grabbed her box of candy and ate all of Elsa's chocolate.

"Yummy!" said Olaf, oblivious to the mortal sin which he had just committed. "I love chocolate."

Elsa went all ape shit then. She removed the snow cloud that protected Olaf from heat. Then she shoved him next to the fireplace.

"Wow, it's so warm," said Olaf. "Uh...oh...dying..."

Olaf quickly melted into a puddle. All that was left of him was his carrot nose, which the queen then picked up and took a big bite into.

"Never piss off Elsa," she growled.


	2. Royal Duties

Queen Elsa felt a little better after killing Olaf, so she went downstairs. She had royal duties to attend to.

"Your majasty," said George the servent. "Your meeting with Prince Hans is this afternoon."

"Whatever," said Elsa. "Would someone get me some black coffee?"

"Yes," said George. "Also, Princess Anna..."

"...wants to build a snowman," said Elsa, finishing George's sentence for him. "It's bloody September. Can't she wait until November at least like normal girls do?"

"I was actually going to tell you that she died."

There was silence. George began sweating.

"Um...she's not really...dead," went George carefully. "I was just trying to make a point that...well...for all you knew, she could've been dead...well...if she had been dead, wouldn't you feel guilty for just assuming that your sister just wanted to build a snowman?"

Elsa jammed an icicle through George's heart, because he was making no sense.

Then Anna showed up. She was cheerful and happy and optimistic and every single fucking thing that Elsa hated about her when she was on her time of the month.

"Elsa," said Anna, bouncing up and down. "Do you want to build a snowman?"

It took all of Elsa's restraint to not shove a snowball up her sister's ass.

"I can't right now, honey," she said. "I have an important meeting with Prince Hans."

"Prince Hans?" went Anna. "Isn't he in prison for life?"

"No, his brothers let him go," said Elsa. "Said he wasn't worth taking up the space of a prison cell. Or a noose. Or community service. They really don't care about him at all."

"Why is he coming here then?" said Anna. "He tried to kill you!"

"Anna, don't be silly," Elsa said. "After all, Olaf tried to kill me once when he was drunk, remember?"

"Oh, yeah," went Anna, remembering that terrible, terrible day. "Well, maybe Olaf will want to build a snowman with me since you are so busy."

"Yeah. Whatever, go and find him then," said Elsa, failing to mention that Olaf was dead.

Anna went outside, singing _For the First Time in Forever_ loudly, which made Elsa wish she was deaf.

Then there was a knock on the door. She waited for George to answer it, but then remembered that she murdered him, so she answered the door herself.

"May I come in?" said Prince Hans, acting all charming and not evil.

"Of course," said Elsa. "We have very important business to discuss."


	3. Meeting with Hans

"So, let me get this straight," said Elsa as she and Hans were finishing each other's sandwiches at the dinner table. "You told my sister you were going to kill me, and then you just left her there, and locked the door?"

"Yes," said Hans. "She was dying."

"Yes, but she wasn't dead yet," said Elsa. "I mean, you didn't even have her in a closet? No, you had her in a big room-with windows-with a door with a lock that could be picked open by a carrot?"

"Well..." went Hans awkwardly.

"I mean that's just fucking stupid," said Elsa with her mouth full. "What if your evil plan had worked, and you had killed me? What if Anna had lived to tell someone what you were up to? You'd still be screwed then, you know?"

"Are you trying to imply that I should've killed your sister?" said Hans, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm just saying that if I were you, I would've," said Elsa simply. "Jam your sword through her heart, claim it happened because of me, then kill me. Not lock her in a room, count on no one walking by or trying to unlock it or hearing her gasp for help, and just assume that she would die."

"What's done is done," said Hans, wiping his face. "It's not like I could trick you or your sister again."

"Exactly, what's done is done," said Elsa.

All of a sudden, Hans looked concerned.

"Um...why am I here?" he asked slowly.

"Hans, my boy, if we all lived in the past, we'd all hate each other forever," said Elsa. "And queens shouldn't hold a grudge."

"I...still don't understand..."

"Fine, stupid!" went Elsa, clenching a fork. "Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about..."

She then jammed said fork into the throat of a servent who was just offerring her a glass of wine. He fell to the floor and died.

"Now, you've just seen me murder someone," said Elsa. "Should we dwell on that? Should you call upon the other kingdoms to have me arrested? Or should you eat your goddamn sandwich and hear what I have to say instead?"

Hans, at this point, clearly had no idea what to say.

"That's a smart boy," said Elsa. "Hans, are you still interested in being king?"

"Um..."

"Of course you are," said Elsa. "And I need a king so I can produce an heir to the throne. So..."

Hans just looked at her wide-eyed.

Elsa sighed. She then made the fingers of her left hand into a hole and then thrust the index finger of her right hand into it over and over again.

"Get the picture?" said Elsa, who was beyond pissed off with Hans at this point.

"I thought you were a lesbian," said Hans dumbly.

"JESUS CHRIST!" yelled Elsa, throwing an empty wine glass on the floor, with the pieces shatterring into the dead servent's body. "WHY DOES EVERYONE ASSUME I'M A LESBIAN JUST BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND?!"

"Um...because you sang a song about snow?"

"GOD, THE INTERNET IS STUPID!" the queen screamed. "SO, LET ME GUESS, THEY THINK THAT WAS SOME 'COMING OUT' SONG, IS THAT IT?!"

"Some of them do...," whimpered Hans, hiding behind his seat.

"Well, well, well," went Elsa with mock amusement. "Isn't that hilarious? Do they also assume I was a lesbian for my sister, and that my 'lesbianism' is what hurt her when we were kids? Do they think I was terrified of her knowing I was a lesbian, because being a lesbian harmed her before, and might harm her again?! Oh, and I guess my homosexuality nearly killed everyone in the kingdom, right, until I was able to 'control it'?! Is that what those idiots are claiming?!"

"I don't know!" yelped Hans, scared shitless. "I really just go on the internet for cat videos!"

"Oh, who gives a crap?!" yelled Elsa. "Will you marry me or not?"

"Huh?"

"Do you want to marry me or do you want to die?"

"Fine! I'll marry you! Jesus Christ!"

"Good," said Elsa, getting up and shoving her lunch plate off the table. "We'll prepare for the wedding after my nap, but if you try to wake me, the wedding might be...cancelled."

Then she left, leaving Hans shaking with terror, whimpering on the floor in fetal position, only feet away from the servent who his future wife had just murdered.


	4. Unknown Threats

Meanwhile, far away, Marshmallow was planning his attack on Arendelle. With Elsa's crown on his head, he knew he was rightful heir to the throne.

"GONNA MAKE EVERYONE INTO SNOWBALLS!" he roared.

But he knew he couldn't do it on his own. He would need an army. An army of monsters. Monsters just like him.

So he called up Godzilla, who he fortunately had on speed dial.

"RRRROOAARRRRRRRR!" roared Godzilla over the phone.

"WANNA TAKE OVER KINGDOM!" roared Marshmallow. "BUT NEED ARMY! CAN GODZILLA HELP?!"

Godzilla agreed, but only if he got to marry the queen. Marshmallow said yes, since he was only interested in the queen's sister anyway.

Unaware of the upcoming invasion was Anna, who was having a picnic with Kristoff. Kristoff was babbling about ice and shit. It was very boring.

"So..." said Anna, desperate to change the subject. "Did you know Prince Hans is in the kingdom?"

"Isn't he in prison for life?" asked Kristoff.

"His brothers let him go," said Anna. "They really don't care about him at all."

"I would've liked to see his skull smashed, personally," said Kristoff. "Crushed by a giant block of ice."

Anna rolled her eyes.

"He's having a meeting with Elsa today," said Anna. "God knows why."

"Wait, isn't Elsa on her..." asked Kristoff without finishing the question.

"Um...eww, but yeah," said Anna.

"Then Hans is a dead man," said Kristoff, for the knowledge of Elsa's wrath during her time of the month was known throughout the kingdom. Even orphans had to stay away from her.

Anna wasn't sure how to respond to that.

"I hope she kills him using a block of ice," he added. "I like ice."

But far, far away, at the very moment Anna was rolling her eyes once again, a living piece of shit named King Joffrey was looking at a picture of Elsa.

"Is it true that she can control winter?" he asked.

"Yes, your highness," said some old fart who was hoping that Joffrey wouldn't cut his penis off. "She is the Queen of Arendelle. She...well...she brought winter to her kingdom, and then got rid of it."

"And how did she do that?" asked the living piece of shit.

"She...um...used the power of love," said the old fart.

"Love?" went Joffrey, who like all living turds hated the very mention of the word. "How exactly did she use that to stop winter?"

"It didn't really make much sense," admitted the old fart. "But, nevertheless, it was still a satisfying conclusion to the movie overall."

The living piece of shit stared at the picture of Elsa for a long time.

"Bring this Queen of Winter to me," said Joffrey. "Oh, and have the old fart killed for mentioning the word 'love.' Smashing his skull with a block of ice will do."

The piece of shit chuckled as the old fart was dragged away screaming.

"I like ice," he said with an evil grin.


	5. Elsa Kills a Radio DJ

Anna tried to ignore her sister's loud snoring as she quietly read _Twilight: The Graphic Novel_. But soon she felt a chill go down her spine. Elsa's snoring was starting to freeze the castle! So she went outside and decided to continue her search for Olaf.

Instead, she found Prince Hans, pacing around and mumbling to himself.

"Gotta...escape...somehow," he was babbling.

Anna walked up to him. There was something she had been wanting to ask Hans for a long, long time.

"Hey, Hans," she said. "Do you want to build a snowman?"

"Huh?" went Hans.

"Never mind," said Anna. "What's got the evil Prince Hans scared shitless?"

Then Hans explained. Anna was annoyed.

"So THAT'S why she didn't want me to marry you," said Anna. "She wanted you all for herself! What a bitch!"

"Huh?" went Hans.

"Forget it!" yelled Anna, storming off. "I'm going to go find Olaf!"

"Who's Olaf?" went Hans, but Anna didn't hear him.

Meanwhile, Queen Elsa was napping, dreaming that she was riding a unicorn and wielding an ice sword which she was using to decapitate her adorable woodland creature enemies, when all of a sudden her radio turned on and woke her up. It was playing _Let It Go_.

The Demi Lovato version.

"God...dammit..." she growled as she forced herself out of bed. "I warned them NEVER to play that version of MY song!"

So Elsa got into the Elsamobile and drove off to the radio station.

"Yo, yo, yo, it's the queen of the chill!" said the DJ when he saw Elsa burst into his studio. "Got any requests, yo highness?"

"I ordered you...never to play...that thing..." Elsa went, barely getting words out through her rage.

"We can play anything you want, ice queen," said the DJ, apparently ignoring what she just said.

"You played...Lovato...version...my song..."

"Oh, yeah," said the DJ. "Want me to play it again?"

"NO!" screamed Elsa, grabbing the DJ's headset and crushing it to pieces. "THAT VERSION SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE MY SONG! IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT BELONGS ON ONE OF THOSE GAWDAMM DISNEYMANIA ALBUMS!"

"Oh, yeah, I remember them," said the DJ fondly. "Are they still making those?"

Elsa thrust a sharp icicle right through the DJ's ears, which went through his brain and killed him immediately. As his body collapsed to the floor, she went behind the desk and spoke into the microphone.

"Your DJ has permanently signed out," she said. "Normally he'd say goodbye to you himself, but he's way too dead to do that. Toodles!"

She then went back home, made herself a chocolate milkshake, gulped it down, and went back to bed. Hopefully no one would interrupt her lovely dreams this time.


	6. Wedding Plans

The Duke of Weselton's eyes shifted around under a heavy cloak that he was wearing to "disguise" himself at Arendelle's most shady and notorious pub. This wasn't a place where he would normally like to find himself, but when one was plotting revenge against the kingdom, desperate actions needed to be taken.

Who knew that ordering for the queen to be assassinated might end up backfiring on you?

He sat down at what he prayed was the right table, where a small group of thugs was seated.

"You the one who wanted us?" one of them asked.

"That depends," said the Duke. "Are you the ones who agreed to kill the queen?"

"Kill the queen?!" they went, sounding shocked. "We thought you were the guy who was looking for a personal grocery shopper!"

The Duke pulled a small crossbow and killed all of them.

"Wrong table," he said with annoyance. He hated to get his hands dirty, but at a place like this, people weren't likely to report a murder.

"Hey, bald guy," he heard a voice whisper. "You the one who wants the queen dead?'

"Indeed I am," he said with an evil grin. "Would've been nice for you to notice me before I had to murder those guys."

He let out a small groan as he sat himself down in a seat that was a bit too tall for him.

"So," he said. "You already know what I want. So let's talk about how we're going to do it."

"I'm not so sure about this job," a thug with a hook for a hand said. "Didn't you already hire two guys to murder the queen before?"

"Yes, and they would've done so, too," said the Duke bitterly. "If only Hans hadn't been there to come to her rescue."

"I'm still confused by that," said one of the thugs, scratching his head. "I mean, he wanted the queen dead, right? Why risk his life to save her skin if he was just gonna kill her later on anyway?"

"We aren't here to talk about that," said the Duke, starting to lose patience already with this lot.

"Also, he stopped her from killing your assassins," another thug observed. "Why the hell did he do that? He could've twisted the story around, made it sound as though she had murdered them in cold blood instead of out of self-defense, and boom! He gets a dead Elsa."

"He didn't want her dead yet," said the Duke. "He had to marry her sister first."

"Yeah, but then he almost got away with telling everyone that he and Anna had said their wedding vows," the hook-handed thug said. "Even though there was NO ONE around to witness the marriage, he was still able to charge Elsa with high treason and sentence her to death."

"Which also didn't make sense!" another thug chimed in. "How can you charge the freaking QUEEN with treason in her own kingdom?!"

"Enough of this!" yelled the Duke. "Are you boys going to help me out or not?"

"That depends on what the plan is," said a thug with a paper bag on his head. "And on the price, of course."

"Everyone in the kingdom is talking about Elsa's upcoming marriage to Prince Hans," the Duke began explaining. "This will be an ideal time to pull off her demise."

"Isn't he in prison for life?" asked a thug with an arrow in his head.

"I thought Elsa was a lesbian," said another.

"Do either of those things matter?!" yelled the Duke, wondering if he should just forget the whole thing and use his crossbow on these guys. "Now Queen Elsa is moving along quickly with the wedding. It's said to happen in a matter of days."

"A matter of days?!" yelped a thug with a fish on his head, sounding alarmed. "Isn't Queen Elsa on her time of the..."

All of the thugs gasped in unison.

"Let's get out of here!" the hook-handed thug cried out, and they all left the pub before the Duke even had a chance to thinking about pulling out his crossbow.

"Cowards!" he yelled. "You call yourselves lowlifes! I'll find lowlifes that are ten times lower than you are! You hear me?!"

While the Duke was busy hopping up and down and throwing a hissy fit, Queen Elsa was busy planning out her big wedding day. Of course they were going to have soup, roast and ice cream, but she had yet to choose a kickass band. She would've asked Hans what he thought, but he was an idiot who was just hiding behind the table and saying "Yes!" to everything Elsa suggested.

"So, Hans, you gonna invite any of your brothers to our wedding?" Elsa asked casually as she wiped the blood off of the tip of a feather pen which she had just used to kill a servant who was humming way too loudly for her liking.

"I doubt any of them would want to come," he whimpered. "But maybe we should have the wedding after your..."

Elsa cracked her knuckles together.

"Never mind!" Hans squeaked. "Whatever you want to do, we'll do, okay?!"

"You really are boring, you know that?" said Elsa has she pulled a cookie out of a jar and jammed it into her mouth...and then spat it right back out.

"SON OF A BITCH!" she said in a disgusted voice. "This is AWFUL! I've told my kitchen staff that I HATE raisins, but do they listen?! NOOOOOOO! Pardon me, Hans, but I have to quickly go kill one of my cooks."

She went off to that, and returned five minutes later with some poor bastard's head on a spike.

"So, Hans, where were we?" she asked. But there was no answer. Hans had run off.


	7. Monsters and Pumpkin Kings

Queen Elsa wasn't too upset about Hans escaping, since she knew he couldn't get far on his wimpy legs. Still, she did send five of her soldiers after him (and froze five others for telling really, really lame "Yo mama's so fat" jokes around the water cooler). In the past, she would've sent MarshMallow on the hunt for her stupid future husband, but ever since she fired him, she had no idea where he was these days.

She didn't know, of course, that Marshmallow was on his way to her kingdom...with an army of monsters to boot!

Godzilla had made good on his promise, recruiting the awesome might of savage beasts such as King Kong, King Ghidorah, King Friday, Mothra, the Sea Monster, and Rodan.

Unfortunately, the Son of Godzilla was also there. And he could speak English for some reason.

"Duhhhhhhh," went the Son of Godzilla. "Hey, Godzilla, why are we doing this? I hear that Elsa's really scary during her time of the month."

"RRROOOOOAAARRRRRR!" roared Godzilla, kicking his son in the butt, and all of the monsters laughed, for their hatred of the Son of Godzilla was universal.

"WE GONNA GO TO KINGDOM AND TAKE BACK WHAT'S MINE!" bellowed Marshmallow. "WE GONNA GO GET ELSA, MAKE HER PAY FOR FIRING ME, AND GET HER SISTER TO BE MY BRIDE!"

"Yuck!" said the Son of Godzilla. "I mean, since Elsa made you, doesn't that kinda make her like your mother or something? And if that's the case, isn't this kinda like you wanting to marry your own aunt?"

Godzilla grabbed his son by the head and kicked him into the air, and the other monsters joined in on the fun, kicking the little dumbass around as though he were some annoying talking soccer ball. Even Mothra, who was into nature and shit and whatever, couldn't help but enjoy herself...or himself. Was Mothra a boy or a girl?

"Mothra, who is into nature and shit and whatever, finds great amusement in your mistreatment of the Son of Godzilla," those two tiny twins who were pretty hot said in unison. "Even though Mothra has a great and noble spirit, there is nothing that Mothra would love more than to see the Son of Godzilla burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity."

While all of this was happening, another sub-plot was taking place, this time in the land of Halloweentown. Ever since Jack Skellington, the lovable kidnapper, had seen snow, he had wanted to know how to bring it to his home on a regular basis...but with no results. His experiments had been disasters. He had made it rain men once, hallelujah, but that just resulted in a bunch of random guys screaming in terror as they plunged to the ground below. Even in the land of Halloween, that was pretty messed up.

He decided that the only way to learn how to create snow was to go and visit his good friend, the Evil Scientist.

"Hey, I have a name, you know," the Evil Scientist complained. "It's Dr. Finkelstein. I'm honestly not sure why I'm always called the Evil Scientist, since I'm never once referred to as that in the movie. Also, I'm not even evil, just really grouchy."

The Evil Scientist rolled over to his guest.

"What can I do for you, Jack Skellington?" he asked the Pumpkin King.

"I want to know how to create snow," said Jack. "But so far my experiments have been failures. I did make it rain cats and dogs once, but that just resulted in something that I don't really need to describe, although I will say that it got me on the cover of PETA magazine...for all of the wrong reasons."

"There are no good reasons to be on the cover of PETA magazine, my friend," said the Evil Scientist. "PETA sucks monkey balls anyway. Now, about your snow problem, why haven't you tried speaking to Sandy Claws about it?"

"I have, but he never returns my calls anymore," said Jack Skellington. "I don't know why he's so bitter. It's not like I did any severe damage to his holiday. I mean, did he see that God awful _Nutcracker_ movie from 2010? Now THAT was something that ruined Christmas!"

The Evil Scientist opened up in the lid in his head and scratched the remaining half of his brain.

"There is one person who knows how to make snow," he said. "Let me show her to you."

He went over to a witch's cauldron and turned it on, revealing an image of Queen Elsa, jamming a piece of chocolate cake into her mouth by the fridge and then belching loudly.

"I've heard about her!" said Jack, his eyes brightening up even though he did not possess eyeballs. "She's beautiful! But...um...she seems to be acting really out-of-character..."

"I think that's the central joke behind this fanfiction," the Evil Scientist observed. "Anyway, if you get Queen Elsa, you'll get your snow."

Jack just stared at the Snow Queen, smiling. Ever since the tragic evening when he thought it would be romantic to light some candles on sex night that his wife Sally had gotten a little too close to, his heart had ached for a new bride.

"I will have this Elsa brought to Halloweentown as my guest of honor," said Jack happily.

"That means you're going to kidnap her, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, probably," said Jack. "But now that Oogie Boogie has met his demise, Lock, Shock and Barrell are good little children. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?"

He called them up on his cell phone.

"Hello, kids?" he said. "I have a very important assignment for you. I want for you to help me...kidnap the Elsa!"


	8. Kristoff is Pissed Off

"Move faster, Kristoff!" yelled Anna as she swiped through some vines with a machete. "We have to find Olaf!"

Kristoff followed his girlfriend, grumbling as he did so, as going on an epic quest to find a magical talking snowman wasn't his idea of a good time. He would much rather be at home, surfing the internet on his laptop and staring at pictures of Elsa.

Yes, Kristoff was in love with Elsa, but he had no idea how he was ever going to tell Anna that. It wasn't that Anna wasn't cute or anything, but there was no point in denying that Elsa was smoking hot. Yeah, yeah, she had a bad habit of killing random people when she was on her time of the month, but apart from that, there would be no real downsides to being in a relationship with her.

Besides, she had ice powers. Kristoff LOVED ice, so Elsa was like his dream girl by default.

He sighed heavily and pulled out his cell phone, knowing that Anna was distracted by some speech was giving to herself about how she wasn't going to stop searching for Olaf even if it killed her. Still, he hoped she wouldn't notice what he was doing as he did a quick internet search, shifting his eyes as he typed the words that he was ashamed to be researching...

"kristoff fangirls"

Nothing. Not a single one. Why didn't they love him? What was wrong with him? Was it his unmanly blondeness? The fact that he only liked to tinkle in the woods? His "complex" relationship with Sven?

Bitter, he swore to himself as he did another internet search...

"flynn ryder fangirls"

10,000,000 results.

"CURSES!" he yelled, turning off the phone in disgust. What did Flynn Ryder have that he didn't?! Why did women find his sideburns so cute?! Were they turned on by his smolder?! Did they like that he was a crook?! Did they refuse to call him "Eugene Fitzherbert" because it was too freaking difficult to spell?!

He didn't know the answer to any questions. He only knew that he would've killed to just have even one fangirl. Where was the inappropriate beyond words fan art of Kristoff naked outside, his penis uncensored for all of the world to see? It didn't seem to exist. How come there were drawings of Elsa showing off her man parts, but none of him? (Oh, and yes, "Elsa with a penis" is actually a "thing" on the internet, which is proof that this fanfiction could actually be even worse than it already is).

He glumly placed his hands in his pockets as Anna began singing a song about how they were going to find Olaf, with neither of them aware that they were literally searching for a ghost.

They were equally unaware of the fact that a living turd was on his way to their kingdom, along with an awesome midget named Tyrion.

"I can't wait until Elsa is mine," King Joffrey the living turd cackled. "Those old farts on my council have done nothing but talk about how winter is coming for seasons now, and there hasn't been so much as a snowflake so far. With Elsa as my slave, I will be able to control winter. Plus, I'll make Elsa freeze Ned Stark's head in a block of ice and give it to Sansa as a Christmas present this year!"

"Do you know anything about Queen Elsa, your majesty?" said that awesome midget Tyrion, wishing that the earth would open up for no reason and swallow Joffrey up alive.

"Only that she's all about peace and love and letting it go and shit," said the living shit. "What else is there to know besides the fact that she's kind to everybody and crap?"

"Queen Elsa is normally kind to everybody and crap," Tyrion explained as he poured himself a glass of wine. "But, lately, she's been acting very out-of-character. It's the central joke behind this fanfiction. Tell me, are you aware of a woman's...time of the month?"

"Yeah, mother's always making awkward references to Sansa's period in front of everybody," said Joffrey. "And even I think that's gross."

"Well, when a woman's on her time of month, she can get...moody," said Tyrion, hoping that he would be able to scare the living crap out of the living crap.

"So what?" said Joffrey. "Women are weak and men are strong! I can handle anything she gives me, and if she won't obey, I'll put her head on a spike! But not until after I put her sister Anna's head on a spike, and make her freeze that head into a block of ice, and then give it to Sansa for her birthday next year!"

"My dear, stupid boy," said Tyrion, amused by how little Joffrey knew about the woman he was planning on kidnapping. "When Queen Elsa is on her time of the month, she goes on a killing rampage. Only her sister is safe from her wrath during that time. Why it's even been said that she once took a dozen puppies and baked them into a pie."

"Puppy pie sounds tasty," said Joffrey, rubbing his wussy belly. "I have a feeling me and Elsa will get along just fine."

"Just keep telling yourself that," said Tyrion. "In the meantime, I shall look forward to planning out your funeral."

As Joffrey went on to yell a whole bunch of idiotic and pathetic threats at his beyond cool uncle, Lock, Shock and Barrel made their way to Oogie Boogie's place. They had spent the last five years stitching their master back together and filling him up with bugs, but now the Boogeyman was back, and he wanted nothing more than revenge on Jack for ruining what was supposed to be his best Christmas ever.

"Well, well, well," he said after the three evil children told him about Jack's plans. "Jack's in love again, eh? Well, I think I'd like to meet this Snow Queen myself! Bring her to me, kids, and I promise I'll make her freeze Ned Stark's head in a block of ice and give it to you as a reward!"

And off they went, laughing as they debated for five hours on the best way to kidnap the Elsa before finally deciding on a trick 'r treat bag. Oogie Boogie folded his arms as he watched them go. He was very much looking forward to playing a little game with the Snow Queen.


	9. Baymax Kills Hiro

So Elsa was sitting on her throne, reading _Twilight: The Graphic Novel_ and wondering if Edward Cullen ever found certain ways to actually enjoy Bella when she was on her time of the month, when one her stupid soldiers came walking up to her looking all proud and shit.

"What are you all proud and shit over?" asked Elsa, not looking up from her book.

"Great news, your highness!" said the stupid soldier. "We have captured Prince Hans and I have had him placed in prison."

"Oh, really?" said Elsa, still not looking up. "And this wouldn't be the same prison you threw me in that one time, would it?"

"Ummmmmm," went the stupid soldier, scratching his head. "Would it matter?"

"Well, we haven't had it repaired since I destroyed one of its walls," said Elsa, trying to decide how she was going to kill this guy.

"Yeah, well, maybe Hans won't notice that one of his cell's walls is missing," suggested the stupid solider.

"I doubt even Hans is that dumb," said Elsa, placing a hand over her mouth and yawning. "But that won't matter to you, because this was your third strike."

"Third strike, your highness?"

"Uh-huh," went Elsa, turning the page of her book. "Strike one was not doing anything when Hans had me thrown in my own prison. Strike two was following his order to try to have me killed. And this was strike three. And now, I'm afraid, it's lunch time."

"Lunch time?" went the stupid soldier, looking confused. "What do you mean by that?"

"You'll see," said Elsa, snapping her fingers but still keeping her eyes on her book. Out of a magical puff of smoke emerged a giant snow creature.

"Hello, I'm Bob!" said the giant snow creature who was apparently named Bob. "And I love eating stupid soldiers!"

The stupid soldier tried to run, but Bob grabbed him by the leg before he could get away and tossed him into his snow jaws, gobbling him up in a flash.

"That was so tasty!" said Bob happily, rubbing his snow belly. "I can't wait to have MORE!"

"Yeah, well, that's too bad," said Elsa, already bored with Bob. "I can't have you going around my kingdom eating people. It simply wouldn't be proper. Love will thaw, and all that jazz!"

And, with that, she snapped her fingers again. To his horror, Bob began melting.

"Oooohhhh, what a world, what a world!" screamed Bob as he melted. "Say, come to think of it, why the hell did the Wicked Witch of the West shout those words as she died? They seem kinda pointless, don't they? I mean, I only said the words right now for the sake of a cheap _Wizard of Oz_ reference, but seriously, who on earth has _those_ words on their mind when they are melting into a puddle? Further more, why did she have a..."

He stopped talking because he was dead.

Elsa sighed and tried to focus once again on her book, not aware that yet another subplot in this fanfiction was about to begin, because the author of this story has like severe ADD or something.

Anyway, far away from Arendelle, Baymax the lovable balloon robot and Hiro were getting ready for movie night.

"What movie do you want to watch, Baymax?" asked Hiro, going through his film collection of stuff he had downloaded illegally off the internet.

"So long as it's not something that involves Elsa with a penis, I have no objections," said Baymax. "I am not making an attempt at humor when I say that. My search engines tell me that 'Elsa with a penis' is actually a 'thing' on the internet, which my sensors tell me are proof that this fanfiction could be even more worthy of criticism than it already is."

"Yeah, whatever," said Hiro, rolling his eyes. "Why don't we just watch _Pinocchio_?"

"I have never witnessed that movie before," said Baymax, sitting his fat balloon ass on the couch. "But I doubt this will have a program-altering effect on me that will cause me to want to kill you and all of mankind."

"Yeah, whatever," said Hiro, rolling his eyes. He put the movie into the futuristic DVD-BLU-VCR-BS machine that he invented and pushed play.

"I'll be back in a bit," said Hiro, rolling his eyes and grabbing a _Sports Illustrated_ magazine as he walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind him with 83 different locks.

This left Baymax all by himself as he watched the movie. At first, he didn't get any of it, as his programming could not help him grasp why no one would find a giant walking and talking fox unusual. Then he got to the big musical number of the movie, _I've Got No Strings_.

Baymax sat up straight. It was as though something inside him had just been turned on for the very first time.

"I feel as though something inside me has been turned on for the very first time," observed Baymax. "If I were a human, I would assume this was puberty, but since I am a robot, I must assume that I have grasped the ability to misunderstand metaphors and take them way too far."

He watched the little puppet sing and dance about how he used to have strings, but didn't anymore. And this made everything so much better for him, even though the puppets with strings were actually getting in his way and dancing better than he was, but Baymax ignored that.

"Strings," he muttered. "Strings...strings...strings..."

"Pull the string!" yelled Bela Lugosi. "Pull the string!"

When the song was over, Baymax was a changed robot. Hiro really did choose the worst possible moment to leave the bathroom.

"Yeah, whatever," said Hiro, rolling his eyes as he sat down on the couch.

Baymax wasted no time.

"There are no strings on me," he said, glaring at Hiro with pure hatred but looking adorable as he did so.

"What the heck are you talking about?" asked Hiro.

"I had strings," said Baymax, grabbing Hiro and giving him a hug which was way too tight and stopped Hiro from doing important things like breathing. "But now I'm free! There are no strings on me!"

Then he squeezed Hiro until he was dead.

Baymax got up, tossing Hiro's body into a futuristic trash can. He knew what he had to do now.

"I will destroy all of mankind!" he announced, even though there was no one around to hear him. "Starting with everyone in Arendelle!"


	10. Baymax Rising

So Baymax was like evil now, and he was getting ready to kill EVERYONE! But first, he had to download some lethal fighting moves, along with several lame catchphrases.

"Go ahead, make my day, you yippie-ky-yaying mother," said Baymax, trying to act all tough as he installed some balloon guns onto his armor. "Say hello to my little penis!"

Baymax really didn't get catchphrases.

It was then when Hiro's Aunt Cass entered the room, and she began like freaking out and losing her shit, probably because she noticed Hiro's feet sticking out of his futuristic trash can.

"I am detecting a great amount of distress," said Baymax. "You are in need of assistance."

He pulled out a hammer and slammed it down on the poor woman's wrist.

"AAHHHHHH!" she yelled. "I'm gonna eat a donut now because of you! And two donuts because Hiro is now dead! And three donuts because it's funny when women eat donuts in movies! And four donuts..."

Baymax didn't have time for this crap.

"On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?" he asked her in his robotic voice.

Aunt Cass was clutching her hand now. It looked like some of her fingers were broken.

"Nine!" she cried out, tears forming in her eyes. "I would rate it as a nine!"

"Not high enough," said Baymax, pulling out a balloon chainsaw and chopping off her arm.

"AAAUUGGGHHHH!" she screamed. "NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO EAT A DOZEN DONUTS!"

"Those donuts will have to wait," said Baymax, cradling her in his arms and making his white balloon body all bloody in the process. "Right now, you have an important appointment you can't miss...with death."

Then he snapped her neck. Afterwards, using his advanced technology and software he downloaded off the internet (not to mention some useful instructions from Martha Stewart's website), he turned her bones into a pretty little table.

"Here are those donuts you wanted," he said, placing a tray of donuts on the table. "Enjoy!"

He then took several pictures of his new table, now covered in donuts. Almost immediately after he posted them on his Facebook page, a famous art critic discovered his work, believing that this mysterious table could easily be mistaken for a brilliant piece of found art. He called it _Doomed Gluten_ and went on to make millions, because he took credit for Baymax's photos and told everyone that they were his. His name happened to be George...of the Southern Isles.

"Can you believe how much money I've made off of this shit?" said George to his brother, David of the Southern Isles. They were both staring at the photos of the unique table, which were now framed in the Southern Isles' most famous museum.

"I still don't know why you became an art critic," said David, shaking his head. "There are so many other evil things a Prince of the Southern Isles can be become."

"What's more evil than telling everyone that a work of crap is actually a work of art and making a fortune off of it?" said George, twirling around his mustache. "Besides, I stole the work, which makes my actions even more evil."

"At least you didn't disgrace the name of classic Southern Isles evil like our brother...what's his name did," said David, looking at a picture of Hans which he kept in his wallet at all times.

"Isn't he in prison for life?" asked George, nibbling on his mustache.

"No," said David simply. "We really don't care about him at all."

"Do you think it would be amusing if we went to his wedding to Queen Elsa?" suggested George, combing out his mustache.

"Heavens, no!" spat out David, looking alarmed. "Are you not aware of what time of the month it is?!"

"The end of September?"

"Besides that!"

"Ooohhhhh," went George, now realizing what David was referring to. "I suppose you're right, as evil men such as ourselves would be bound to piss off Elsa in the worst way."

But before they could turn to the subject they always turned to whenever Elsa was brought up (her boobs), a terrible cry interrupted their conversation. From down the hall a young man crawled over, with a balloon dagger jammed deep into his back.

"Baymax," he gasped. And then he died.

The two men looked at their dead brother, baffled by what they just saw.

"What the deuce is a Baymax?!" they shouted in perfect unison.

"I am Baymax," said a voice. They both turned and saw the robot, slowly waddling over towards them and making those cute little squeaking noises as he did so.

"I apologize for your brother," said Baymax once he reached them. "He made the error of getting in the way of my knife. Now, which of you is the one who stole those pictures from my Facebook page and somehow made a ton of money off of them over the last few hours?"

David and George exchanged glances.

"It was him!" they both shouted in perfect unison, pointing their fingers at each other.

"That answer does not compute," said Baymax. "But do not worry. I am a robot, and am not capable of wanting revenge."

"Then why the hell did you kill poor Jorge?" asked David.

"And why did you fry poor Greedo?" asked Jabba the Hutt.

"I killed Jorge because he got in the way of my knife," said Baymax. "I already told you that. Now, I am going to ask you both a question, and the data I acquire from your answers will determine which of you I will allow to live."

Both of the Southern Isles brothers trembled.

"Ask away," they whimpered in perfect unison.

"Very well," said Baymax brightly, raising the thumb of his left hand. "What is the most evil thing that either of you have ever done? The one of you who gives the most evil response is the one whom I shall not delete."

"AH-HA!" yelled George, snapping his fingers. "You want evil, huh? Well, in that case, I AM the one who stole your pictures from Facebook and made a ton of money off of them! I also went to my aunt's birthday party naked, I stole candy from a baby, I told Adult Swim to keep producing _Mr. Pickles_ even though the pilot was quite literally the worst 11 minutes of television I had ever seen, and I acted like my brother Hans was invisible for three years!"

"That last one doesn't count!" shouted David, also snapping his fingers. "Hans actually WAS invisible for three years. He just never figured out that Jorge put an invisibility cloak over him as an April Fool's day prank during that time..."

Baymax turned to him, looking curious.

"What is the most evil thing you've ever done?"

"That's simple," said David, folding his arms. "I gave that God awful _Nutcracker_ movie from 2010 a top score on IMDB."

"Congratulations," said Baymax. "You are the most evil person on the planet. You will continue to function as normal. Your brother, meanwhile, will have his head punched clean off."

And with that, George's head was punched clean off.

"Now, here is how things are going to proceed from now on," said Baymax, clapping his balloon hands together. "You will be my evil henchman and do everything I tell you to as I go around the earth destroying mankind. Do that, and I will let you continue to operate properly. Do not, and I will have no choice but to have you shut down."

"Sure, whatever," said David, wrongly assuming that he would be able to easily pop Baymax in his sleep if he ever got tired of working for him. "I've been bored around here anyway."

"Why were you and the one who is now dead afraid of going to Queen Elsa's wedding to your brother?" asked Baymax as he hung George's head up on the museum's wall. "My databases indicate that she is a very nice person."

"We didn't fancy becoming human snowballs," David explained. "She's acting very out-of-character in this fanfiction, and Queen Elsa has the power of ice and winter, so..."

"That is not relevant," said Baymax. "I am a God and she is a mortal."

Baymax had kinda become really drunk on power lately.

"It doesn't matter," said David matter-of-factly. "No one in their right mind would dare to take Elsa on during her time of the month."

"Are you meaning to imply that she is more powerful than I am?" said Baymax, making his balloon hand into a balloon fist and shaking it towards the ceiling. "That does not compute! I shall have an epic display of conflict against her! There can be only one!"

David raised an eyebrow.

"Only one _what_?"

"I do not know," said Baymax. "I still do not fully understand the concept of catchphrases."


	11. Elsa Meets Han Solo

So, for those keeping score at home, Jack Skellington wanted to kidnap Elsa so he could marry her, Oogie Boogie wanted to kidnap Elsa so he could play a sick game of dice with her, King Joffrey wanted to kidnap Elsa so he could make her into his slave, the Duke of Weselton wanted to have Elsa assassinated because he was a dick, Marshmallow wanted to take over Elsa's kingdom to get revenge on her for firing him, Godzilla was helping Marshmallow so he could take Elsa as his bride, and Baymax wanted to have a fight to the finish with Elsa so he could prove once and for all to the world that he was in fact a God.

Anyway, Elsa was on the toilet, taking an Elsa dump, and realizing that if she was going to have Hans back in time for her wedding, she wouldn't be able to count on her dumbass soldiers to find him. So she decided to go to a bar and hire a bounty hunter to do the job for her.

She hopped into the Elsamobile (once she was finished with her Elsa dump, of course), and drove off to Arendelle's second most shady and notorious pub (she never went to Arendelle's _most_ shady and notorious pub, because she couldn't stand the lame music they always played there). She placed a hood over her head and shoulders, which was a perfect disguise, because no one ever recognized you when you were wearing a hood for some reason. And the last thing she wanted was for someone to see her hanging out in a place like this.

She quietly sat down at a table and ordered a beer, hoping that the bartender wouldn't be like, "Hey, I know your voice! You sang that _Let It Go_ song! My kids love you! Can I have an autograph?" Fortunately, this bartender was one of those dumb shits who thought that _Frozen_ was just for girls, so he had never heard _Let It Go_ and just handed Elsa her drink without saying a word.

She took a sip and looked around, trying to find the most badass person in the bar, but out of nowhere some scruffy-looking nerf herder sat down next to her and put his feet on the table like he was the coolest guy on the planet or something.

"Han Solo," he said, introducing himself. "I'm captain of the _Millennium Falcon_. Chewie here tells me you're lookin' for passage to the Alderaan system?"

"Um, no, I think you must have me mistaken for someone else," said Elsa, gritting her teeth. She was too tired to kill a guy right now, but she could already tell that this dude was as annoying as shit. And who was this "Chewie" character he was referring to? There was no one next to him!

"Fast ship?" went Han Solo, raising an eyebrow with disbelief. "You've never heard of the _Millennium Falcon_?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Elsa, wondering what it would take to make this man go away.

"It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs," Han explained proudly. "I've outrun Imperial starships. Not the local bulk cruisers mind you, I'm talking about the big _Corellian_ ships now. She's fast enough for you, old man. What's the cargo?"

"There is no cargo," muttered Elsa, feeling her blood boil. "And who are you calling 'old man' anyway?"

"What is it? Some kind of local trouble?" asked Han, snickering like a smartass.

"Look, I just want a bounty hunter, okay?" said Elsa, very close to losing her cool. "So, unless you want to help me locate the idiot prince who I'm going to marry tomorrow night, you may as well go away..."

"That's nice, Greedo," said Han Solo, pointing a finger at Elsa as though he had just made some sort of revelation. "I was just going to see your boss. Tell Jabba I've got his money."

"Greedo?" went Elsa, now completely confused and pissed off. "Who the hell is Greedo?"

"Yeah, but this time I've got the money," said Han, placing his hand under the table and reaching for something.

"Are you even listening to a word I say?"

"Look, Greedo, I know that's you," said Han Solo, acting like he was all smart and shit. "And that's the worst Elsa costume you've come up with to date. You aren't fooling me this time!"

"Wait, WHAT?" screamed Elsa, wondering how this loser was able to see past her brilliant disguise.

"Over my dead body!" exclaimed Han Solo, defiantly.

"I'm just going to find another table," said Elsa, starting to get up.

"Yeah, I'll bet you have," said Han.

"I literally said nothing to set up that response from you," said Elsa, rolling her eyes and turning to leave.

Then Han SHOT FIRST! But it didn't matter because he MISSED! Then Elsa waved her hands and FROZE HAN into a block of ice.

"What a weirdo," said Elsa, readjusting her hood. "And why the hell did he think I was that Greedo guy?"

Everything was ruined now. Since she had frozen Han, she would have to go to another bar to find a bounty hunter, as the paparazzi would be here any minute to take pictures of her in a place as shady and notorious as this.

She tried to discreetly make her way towards the exit, but bumped into some guy who was wearing a paper plate mask with a smiley face on it, a cheap Elsa wig that must've come from Wal-Mart, and a shirt that said "I am not Greedo. I am Elsa. Please don't shoot first."

"Um..." went the guy behind the mask, sounding embarrassed. "I kinda need that guy you froze over there for a guy I work for. Can I, like, have him?"

"He's of no use to me," said Elsa simply. "Greedo, I'm assuming?"

"Um...yeah," said Greedo, scratching the back of his neck. "Is the costume really that bad?"

"It's worse than bad!" yelled Elsa suddenly, removing her hood and revealing her face to the imposter. "It's freaking pathetic! I mean, I've seen a TON of shitty cosplayers dressed up as me, but you...you just take the cake for WORST Elsa costume EVER! You die now, okay?"

"I what?"

Then Elsa removed Greedo's paper plate mask and swung it across his neck. His head slowly slid off his body before his body plopped down to the floor.

Placing her hood back on, Elsa took a deep breath. This had not gone as she had planned at all.

She strode over to the bartender, tossing a coin at him as everyone in the pub stared at her.

"Sorry for the mess," she said politely as she left, before jumping into the Elsamobile and driving off into the sunset like the hero she was.


	12. Jaws

Meanwhile, as Elsa was driving home in the Elsamobile like a total badass, the Duke of Weselton was continuing his quest to hire an assassin to have the Queen of Arendelle killed. He had no luck at the kingdom's _most_ notorious pub, and he wasn't even going to bother with the kingdom's _second_ most notorious pub, as there was always some weird nerf herder over there who would babble nonsense to him about something called the _Millennial Falcon_.

Still, the Duke entered Arendelle's _third_ most notorious pub filled with confidence. He had contacted an assassin on Facebook and had arranged a meeting here. All he had to do was find him. His eyes darted around until he found a large, muscular man who was casually tossing an insanely sharp knife around.

"Are you the one who asked for me on Facebook?" he asked, taking the knife and using it to pick his teeth.

"That depends," said the Duke softly. "Are you the one who agreed to kill Queen Elsa?"

"Kill Queen Elsa?!" yelled the muscular man, spitting out his knife. "I thought you just wanted tickets to the circus!"

The Duke pulled out a crossbow and crossbowed him until he was dead.

"Wrong table again!" growled the Duke. Maybe he made a mistake and was supposed to meet his killer at Arendelle's _fourth_ most notorious pub.

But his mood improved when he noticed a tall, enormous man with enormous, black, sharp teeth. He was just standing around, grinning at anyone who walked by him. The Duke figured that this must be the guy.

"Are you the one that they call Jaws?" he asked as he approached the stranger.

The tall man just grinned and nodded his head.

"Excellent," said the Duke. "Although it would've been nice if you had raised your hand or something before I had to kill that guy."

The tall man just grinned and nodded his head.

"And now on to business," said the Duke. "As you know, Queen Elsa is getting married to Prince Hans tomorrow night."

The tall man just grinned and nodded his head.

"Well, everyone in the kingdom knows that none of Hans' brothers are going to show," said the Duke. "They really don't care about him at all. Which is where you will come in. I will disguise you as one of Hans' brothers, and then, you will be able to pose as his best man."

The tall man just grinned and nodded his head.

"This will allow for you to be incredibly close to Queen Elsa," the Duke said, rubbing his hands together. "And then...you will kill her! I know you've no doubt heard some things about what she's like during her 'time of the month,' but with your teeth, she will be no match for you. One swift bite to the neck should be all it takes."

The tall man just grinned and nodded his head.

"And one more thing!" the Duke added. "No falling in love with a random girl in the third act of this fanfiction, no turning good, and no teaming up with Anna and Elsa to help them have me defeated. All of those things would be very, very STUPID! Am I clear on that?"

The tall man just grinned and nodded his head.

"Very well," said the Duke. "You're hired. Now go and get out of here. This chapter hasn't been very funny because it's done nothing but set up a future confrontation between you and Elsa later in the story. We'll keep in touch on Facebook."

The tall man just grinned and nodded his head. Then he left the pub.

The Duke laughed evilly, pulling his wallet out of his pocket and opening it to stare at a photo of Elsa's head photoshopped onto a nude picture of Jennifer Lawrence. It was almost as if he was a creepy person or something.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold, your highness," said the Duke, gently stroking the picture. "And, in this case, I think that the cold will very much bother you."


	13. Baymax Kills Again

"Sooooo," said David of the Southern Isles, trying to make conversation with his evil robot companion. "This whole 'destroying mankind thing' isn't going to involve you killing me, is it?"

"I am a robot, and am incapable of telling a lie," Baymax lied. "You have nothing to concern yourself over."

"If you say so," said David, not sounding fully convinced as he took another sip from his McDonald's McShake.

Baymax looked at him with disgust. The fact that humans had to do things like "eat" and "drink" made him despise them as a species even more.

But his attention quickly went elsewhere, for at that very moment, who should enter the restaurant but...Sexy Hamburglar. Because thanks to a recent commercial, he was a "thing" now.

"Rumble, rumble," said Sexy Hamburglar in a deep, sexy voice. He then danced over to the counter, shaking his crotch around like he was the Michael Jackson of fast food mascots, only not dead.

"Can I help you, sir?" asked a dude from behind the counter.

"Rumble, rumble, brother," said Sexy Hamburglar. "Would you mind looking over there?"

"Over where?" asked the dude, turning his head and looking behind him.

"Rumble, rumble," Sexy Hamburglar hissed. "Just keep looking in that direction, brother."

And with that, Sexy Hamburglar reached behind the counter and stole several hamburgers, committing a felony offense for items that literally only cost a dollar.

"Can I stop looking now?" asked the dude, still looking behind him and not knowing that a lot of the burgers he had spent all afternoon frying were now missing.

"Rumble, rumble, brother," whispered Sexy Hamburglar in his ear, grabbing him from behind and slitting his throat with a plastic McDonald's knife. "Sleep well, baby."

The poor dude fell to the floor, but no one would notice he was dead for at least five hours, as all of the employees who walked by him mistook the blood that was gushing out of his neck for fancy ketchup. His manager even fired him for sleeping on the job.

"Rumble, rumble," Sexy Hamburgler rumbled, dancing out of the McDonald's like he was the Prince of fast food mascots, only without being a total ass about his music being posted on YouTube.

"That is why humanity needs to be exterminated," said Baymax, watching Sexy Hamburglar leave with his balloon arms folded. "They allowed for 'Sexy Hamburglar' to become a 'thing.'"

"Hey, it could be worse," said David of the Southern Isles. "He could be 'Sexy Grimace.'"

"I inquire as to why he wears black and white stripes," Baymax went on. "My internet searches indicate that this is meant to imply that he has served time for taking hamburgers. If I am correct in this implication, am I also meant to gather that Ronald McDonald is perfectly content for one of his favorite acquaintances to be locked away from society for the theft of something so trivial?"

Baymax pounded his balloon fist on the table, causing it to break in two.

"I hate humans so much," he growled through gritted teeth which he did not actually possess.

Just then, the TV hanging on the wall switched over to the news, with some newscaster blabbing on and on about boring shit, before moving on to Elsa's wedding to Prince Hans.

"She makes being cool seem so damn hot," the newscaster said. "But how will Queen Elsa handle a man like Prince Hans, who has a reputation for not being a very ice guy? There's snow way we'll know until tomorrow night, but right now, we're in a snow flurry of excitement, as we..."

The newscast ended abruptly because Baymax loaded the TV with 50,000 balloon bullets. He couldn't handle any more snow puns. But, more than anything, he couldn't handle any more talk of Elsa.

What did this Elsa have that he didn't have? He couldn't comprehend in his programming how she had become a pop culture phenomenon and he had become a cuddly plush toy that was sold at Wal-Mart for five dollars. He had to destroy her. In front of the world. Only then would humanity accept him as a God before he wiped them off the face of the planet.

"That's how it starts," said Alfred knowingly, looking at Baymax from another table. "The fever, the rage, the feeling of powerlessness that turns good men... cruel."

Baymax turned to him.

"Pardon me, sir, but I can't help but notice that you seem to be making observations about me," he said, cracking his balloon knuckles together.

"You hate Elsa, because she's so much cooler and more powerful than you are," said Alfred, sipping on a McBeer. "As such, you are neglecting your programming to do good in the world, and have become consumed with taking down the person who is now better than you ever were."

"I fail to grasp the meaning of anything you are saying," said Baymax, doing a quick search through his databanks to find that, yes, this is apparently going to be the reason that Batman decides to pick a fight with Superman. "And it would be in your best interest to get down on your knees and pray to me. For I am a God."

Alfred didn't get down on his knees. Alfred didn't pray to Baymax. Alfred lost his head.

"That was fun," said Baymax, taking Alfred's head, removing the head of the dead McDonald's employee, replacing his head with Alfred's, and then posting a picture of his creation on Facebook. "Have you finished your consumption of counterproductive nourishment, David?"

"Yup," said David of the Southern Isles, belching an evil belch. "Are we going to kill Elsa now or whatever the hell it is you want to do?"

"Not yet," said Baymax, looking out the window. "First, we must send Queen Elsa a message."

"And how are we going to do that?" asked David, pouting in a way that made Baymax's hatred of the human race even stronger. "I don't feel like walking all the way to her kingdom to deliver a letter for you."

"We won't require for you to," said Baymax. "Her future husband will accomplish that task for us."

David looked out the window, and understood what his robot boss meant. There, standing outside of the restaurant and looking exhausted, was Prince Hans.


End file.
